Thursday 7th November 2019
I’ve often thought about writing a post, then said to myself “nah, no one will be interested in your ramblings”. However, I recently got the opportunity to show something off, and promote (if you will) a wonderful project that the very talented Mrs Emma White has created. I thought about how on earth someone like me could even begin to make an impression on anyone?! I’m just a regular gal, nothing special about me. ANYWAY, I’ve been given the chance to waffle and show a beautiful piece of jewellery off and I’ve grasped it with both hands and thought knickers to it.
Power pebbles are a collection of jewellery created by Emma, who owns a Jewellery business called THE JEWELLERY MAKERS She’s a wife, a mum, a lady who I’ve taken advice from and admire on many a level, such as a mother, and a woman who balances a massively hectic work and family life, yet still manages to look like she’s got her shit together!! Amongst other things, she’s a bloody hard worker, and a lovely lady to know.
I thought about what the little phrase “you got this” means to me, and how upon reflection it’s helped me through a very difficult, yet different, amazing, rewarding, completely changed, part of my life. The finish on this necklace is scratched, and I think that adds more to the piece, like not everything is perfect and shiny, so it doesn’t matter how messed up things are on the surface most of the time, “YOU GOT THIS”
SO HERE GOES….
The two “me’s” and being a mum.
The first me, Lianne.
For 24 years of being “Lianne” I only had myself to look after, sort out and be bothered about. I went on holidays with the girls, partied on nights out. I had a good set of friends enjoyed my job as running the family business and pretty much was loving my life. I had my hair done when I wanted, nails done when I wanted, shopped for clothes that I didn’t need but bought because I just could and why not?! #yougothis
The second Lianne.
I then met Jack. The dynamics changed and then I not only thought about myself, I was part of a team and it was me and Jack “Team Berrell and Sutters” as we call ourselves. This year its been 8 years of being Team Berrell and Sutters. I still partied on a weekend, sometimes with Jack but mostly with my friends and had a good going on. We went on holidays, ate out on a night, and enjoyed it being just us. We had a good lifestyle.
We then moved in together and finally bought our first home and got engaged, Mrs Berrell to be!!! YES!!!! I’d been wanting this ring for a number of years and wedding bells were FINALLY going to happens for us. My life had changed at tad from going out every weekend but to staying in and buying things for our house, enjoying making our house a home. #yougotthis
December the 28th 2016 and a curve ball was thrown our way….. the positive pregnancy test….. after the initial shock I was happy, till I though about telling my parents. How sad that the first thing I thought about was how I would tell my parents. I knew they weren’t going to be best pleased about my news, and this made me feel sick to my stomach. I wanted my parents to be happy and support me. (Of course now my son is here they wouldn’t have it any other way!!!- let’s be clear on that)
A perfect pregnancy, followed by a horrendous birth and on September 13th 2017 at 18:32 I had become a mother. My life had changed literally FOREVER.
Having to stay in hospital for a week after the birth was hard enough and added to that I was so poorly, mentally and physically exhausted I really bloody struggled. The days were a blur and nights were long, and lonely. Tuesday 19th September, after 6 days In hospital it was home time. I should’ve been excited and elated we were going home, but I wasn’t and the baby blues had set in. I started crying and I didn’t stop for nearly 3 weeks. Anything would set me off, my partner just had to look at me and I’d stay crying. The thought of “what have i done” was at the forefront of my mind most days. Whilst I loved my little boy, I just wanted a full nights sleep and to recover. Sleep was something I began to get fixated on, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it!
Visitors came and went, people always asking how the baby was was. The days passed and turned into weeks and through all that that’s when it all began.
The feeling of being judged, on EVERYTHING and ESPECIALLY my parenting, I felt like even my mum was going to question what I was doing, or another parent might be watching what I was doing and was going to tell me I was doing something wrong. The feeling of being nervous when going out anywhere, driving anywhere, I even felt I was being judged by how I pushed my bloody pram!! The feeling of not being able to tell anyone what I was thinking incase I sounded like a “nut job”. Having totally irrational thoughts and feelings whilst falling deeper into a pit of losing Lianne and Just being a mum.
My partner often uses/d the phrase “it’s that little head of yours, making things go out of proportion”… a term he still uses today, which pisses me off no end!! Half of the time he is right, but the other time he just doesn’t get me. Fortunately for him, he’s never suffered with a mental illness and unfortunately for me he doesn’t seem to understand sometimes that something little for him, is usually massive for me. This can be anything that triggers thought off. Comments made by people would fester in my mind for weeks until I blew up. When in actual fact it was nothing, but because I’d been overthinking it, i began to feel I was being ganged up on.
I had completely lost myself. I felt I couldn’t even go out for a walk by myself. I felt like my partner made me feel bad for going for my hair or nails doing, the things that still made me feel like Lianne. He still managed to go to the pub or gym etc and he couldn’t even let me have a shower without calling me to help. This was not his intention and I wasn’t the only one new to all this (Something only after reflection did I realise this), it’s how I perceived it at the time- I honestly never felt more alone. I had to realise that I wasn’t the only one in this, and that he was actually feeling the same, worried, anxious etc… seeing a side to me he’s never seen. He was petrified.
After visits to the Dr I was diagnosed with moderate Anxiety. After lengthy talks coping mechanisms and time I’m finally starting to get Lianne back. I’m now 24 months into being a mum and things are starting to feel good again. So, for me this little power pebble is a show of I HAVE got this!!!! It’s a great little daily reminder (along with my gorgeous boy) to show me how far I’ve come, and when I do start to have a wobble…. I look down… #yougotthis
My recovery is still in progress and I can’t thank my partner (Team Berrell and Sutters even when I didn’t realise it) enough for being there even when I wasn’t the nicest person to be around. For standing by my side, when I thought he wasn’t there for me, he was, when I’d completely lost all sense of myself, he was still there. Just being him and keeping going, for both of us. I just didn’t realise that he was maybe struggling too, or when I didn’t even seem like the Lianne he fell in love with. He didn’t leave my side.
My family for supporting me and my friends. One person in particular has helped me massively, Tarah. She’s a lady I met in hospital who I have shared my motherhood journey with, she’s now one of my best friends and we’ve shared so many moments and memories together. A friend from the start and always in my heart. #yougotthis
So, now not only am I Lianne, Lianne and Jack, but I’m also MUM… and in the end… I wouldn’t swap that title for all the tea in China.
YOU GOT THIS LIANNE (MUM) !!!
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